FAQs

Where is The Store located?

The Store is located on the high street in Stoke-on-Trent. Please turn left when you see the following message: "The hunger has returned to Mr. Brooks' brain. It never really left."

You may need a password to enter.

Can the assessment be taken more than once?

We generally advise our customers to wait for a minimum of 12 months before attempting a retest. Just as one's body is measured prior to the purchase of a suit, one's mind must be measured prior to purchasing a fish. Bodies can change. Does your mind change too? And would you know it, if it did?

Why did the assessment not include any questions about fish?

There once was a fish called Bruce. Bruce was an only fish. He ate his brothers. He ate his sisters too. Bruce never got to know his father, who dried on a washcloth the day he was born. Bruce knew his mother and she was good. A good mother, he knew she was. She just didn't wish to be near him. Bruce was the only fish then. It wasn't for long. What would become of a single fish in a whole tank? He had no use alone. I moved him to a place full of the brothers, full of the sisters of somebody else. That day, Bruce disappeared. That day, only fish remained.

My truest fish is not a fish at all. What do I do?

The first mass extinction event in Earth's history may have been caused by cyanobacteria. Cyanobacteria, or blue-green algae, form the thin layer of stinky sludge that occasionally appears on the substrate in your tank. Today, we try to kill it with a peroxide bath, or by starving it of sunlight. We rarely succeed. Cyanobacteria were likely the first organisms to photosynthesize. Alas, the oxygen they respired was poison to the anaerobes abundant at the time. As the composition of waters and air changed, the Earth's original inhabitants died or hid in the few spots where poison concentration remained sufferably low. Today, you may find them in your tank, provided you run a deep sand bed.

We at The Store don't know where you come from. But we know what you caused.

I have found my truest fish and am willing to make a commitment. How can I place an order?

Please use the "place order" button at the bottom of the Home page, to contact The Store Manager, Johnny Dubios, M.C. Johnny oversees all fish acquisition matters. Please provide Johnny with the ID of your assigned fish and the number of fish that you will require. Johnny will contact you should he need any further information from you.

How do I pay for my order?

We accept payment via CoinSquirt. Other methods of payment including PayPal or bank transfer are discouraged. Please contact The Store Manager, Johnny Dubios, M.C., if you have any further inquiries.

How will my order be delivered?

Our stock is shipped packaged in the Ying-In, the translucent silk. The Ying-In, the translucent silk, is a type of translucent silk. It is tough and untearable. You could cut into it like you do with the cellophane wrapped around your morning cereal, a small incision to get you going, but it never does. The Ying-In, the translucent silk, cannot be torn, it can only be cut. But there's nothing sharp about the human body, not sharp enough. The Ying-In, the translucent silk, clings to the man and his crevices. It is silky and soft to the touch, like the skin that forms on your cup of hot milk. But it cannot be torn. We recommend wrapping the man's torso and feet, but leaving his head out. This extends the man's suffering. The Ying-In, the translucent silk: it is untearable.

PLEASE NOTE THAT WE DO NOT DELIVER LIVE ANIMALS.