Spilt Milk as a Service (SMaaS) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Private Bowlers, specialising in deliberate spillage of milk to facilitate crying. That's right, our operatives will knock over a bowl, glass, vase or other receptacle containing milk so that you don’t have to, because you’re sick of having to spill milk in order to cry. Now, thanks to SMaaS, you can just skip straight to the crying.

Better yet, for an additional fee, don’t even cry—who has time to cry any more—just pay us (please just pay us), and we'll take care of both the spilling and the crying (clean-up, milk and receptacle not included). You just put the milk in the glass and we'll be round in a jiffy to spill it and cry.

A typical use case

"There’s no use crying over spilt milk", your partner advises.

"Crying over spilt milk? Pfft!", you retort. "Who has time to do that anymore? No, this is Javiera from Spilt Milk as a Service. They’re a wholly owned subsidiary of Private Bowlers—you know like that song Private Dancer but for bowling? Yeah, the Tina Turner one. You know, I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money... Nah, I don't really like it either. Anyway, basically I’ve supplied the milk and, any minute now, Javiera's gonna spill it all over the floor and then cry about it. Oh here she goes, look, watch out!".

With a sonorous strike, the jug crashes to the floor, its contents splattering everywhere. Right on cue, the tears start to flow... Catharsis.