Stoke Today

League One Table

	Team	Played	Won	Lost	Drawn	Points	Form
1	Longton	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
2	Hanley	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
3	Stoke-upon-Trent	19	0	0	19	19	DDDDD
4	Burslem	19	0	0	19	19	DDDDD
5	Tunstall	19	0	0	19	19	DDDDD
6	Fenton	19	0	0	19	19	DDDDD

League Two Table

	Team	Played	Won	Lost	Drawn	Points	Form
1	Tittensor	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
2	Bagnall	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
3	Penkhull	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
4	Wolstanton	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
5	Ubberley	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
6	Seabridge	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
7	Blurton	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
8	Trentham	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
9	Shutlanehead	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
10	Clough Hall	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
11	Butterton	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
12	Crackley	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
13	Cobridge	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
14	Keele	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
15	Weston Coyney	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD
16	Rough Close	20	0	0	20	20	DDDDD

Note: tables are subject to change, all scores are fictional, Sme is a fictional sport.

Rumours

Carla Mitevska-Broadcast, currently on-loan at Tittensor, has found herself the subject of a fierce debate as to whether a fictional player of a fictional sport being embroiled in a fierce debate really constitutes plausible "gossip".

Freya Coincidental-Gray has refused to rule out a move away from Clough Hall, stating that "when I joined this club, I always had one eye on the World Series. It's been a tough season for all of us, but the reality is that I didn't come to Stoke to squander my talents, scrapping away over a 0-0 draw at Crackley".

Last weeks' game between Weston Coyney and Bagnall reportedly breached several local byelaws. A League Two representative gave the following statement: "It beggars belief. 14 or 15 grown adults, rolling some sort of... exercise ball thing around a muddy field. Well, it's made a right mess of the community green... And what were they shouting the whole time, too? 'Sme?' I mean, these are clearly people lacking direction in their lives. The whole thing just seemed so... Aimless".

Budding, amateur Sme players: Kasai Coincidental-Shruntingflap has revealed his top 3 Sme tips, in a recent interview for Idaho Times. For copyright reasons, we are unable to reproduce these tips here.

Giani Jeong-Velvet has hinted that he intends to sign a contract extension with Hanley. The 38-year-old's contract is due to expire at the end of this season, and so the news will no doubt be welcomed by Poppy Grib-Thickening.

The latest edition of the Sme Statistics and Records Index will be released next month. Stoke Today Sport were granted an exclusive preview of the feel-good read, and can reveal that Stoke-on-Trent's League One remains the world's premier Sme division in the Western Hemisphere.

Kenzo Whitsuntide is apparently considering a move to Penkhull. The speculative 2-year deal is said to be worth £0, owing to the deal, the player, the team, the sport itself, and the universe in which it takes place, being entirely fictional. Whitsuntide has taken the pay cut in his stride, however, stating that "it's never been about the money. As a Sme player, I can't be concerning myself with what does or doesn't 'exist'."

A reporter for Stoke Today Sport has undermined the already shaky journalistic integrity of the troubled news organisation, by featuring a quote from a player previously acknowledged to be fictional. We reached out to Stoke Today Sport for comment, and received the following explanation: "Oh, so now we're a troubled news organisation? Perhaps if you'd stop writing this kind of gibberish then you'd have no reason to ask me for a comment, even though you are me, and neither of us exist. Can't we just stick to the narrative for like five seconds?"

Burslem have come under fire in recent weeks for alleged match-fixing offences. The Stoke-based outfit aroused suspicion after several of their recent fixtures ended in an unlikely, goalless draw. Further investigation revealed that Burslem's last 1,278 games have all ended 0-0, which was described by an inside source as "suspicious".

Sme has been voted Stoke-on-Trent's favourite sport for the 16th year running. An analyst involved in conducting the survey commented that "Sme obviously isn't going away anytime soon. What's really striking, though, is that this poll was never actually conducted. I've been asked to comment on a fictional poll just to reinforce the alleged popularity of Sme, and then undermine this straight away by admitting that the poll was fake. This seemed like kind of a waste of time, so I reached out to Stoke Today Sport for clarification. Their representative told me to 'just stick to the narrative and—whatever you do—avoid nonsensically nested comments from fictional parties.'"

About Sme

Sme is Stoke's most popular and iconic sport. Pronounced "Sm-uh", after the characteristic sound its players make, a game of Sme begins with two teams of either 7 or 8 players standing at opposite edges of a 250 sq. ft field. Each team must roll a 50kg orb (known as a "sme") from their side of the field to the other. The first team to do so is awarded 1 sme, and nominates a player as the "sme". The nominated player is chased by the opposing team, who chant "sme" during their pursuit. Once the sme has been captured, the referee awards the appropriate sme to each team.

Scores are reset at the end of each game, such that the final score is always 0-0. We must imagine Sme players happy.