I'm Yaxley Stilton, former MP for Newcastle-under-Lyme, part-time columnist for The Idaho Times, and 2014 Wilderness (Celebrity Edition) runner-up. For business or other enquiries, please get in touch at yaxleystilton@gmail.com.
Yaxley was born in Asunción, Paraguay, the only child of newlyweds Cassie and Bo Stilton. He grew up in the Zeballos Cué district, attending the nearby Hermann Gmeiner school. In class, Yaxley neither struggled nor excelled, but had a happy childhood, buoyed by a community's fierceness of spirit that flickered defiantly against the bleakness of the Stroesser years.
At fourteen, this childhood was abruptly cut short. The last time he would ever see his father was a morning like so many before, and none since. "Make sure you lock the door, won't you"—his final words: impossibly, achingly mundane.
Yaxley and his mother arrived in the UK just in time to see Margaret Thatcher elected, watching from their drab Camberwell flat as she told the nation "I just owe almost everything to my own father". His studies (economics, UCL) bookended by Brixton riots, Yaxley became acutely aware of humanity's more universal tribulations.
After two internships, a string of inconsequential jobs, and several earnest-but-failed attempts at self-discovery, he was appointed environmental health officer at Londis. During the half-decade spent here, the idealism of his youth hardened into a stolid pragmatism, and he met the woman he would recognise too late as the love of his life.
At 29 he took his first step into the world of politics, working as Chief of Staff to then-Health Secretary, Shanice Ramirez. In November 1996, Yaxley was chosen to represent the Liberal Democrats in Newcastle-under-Lyme. In May 1997, he was elected MP with 36% of the vote, on a turnout of 74%.
The remainder of Yaxley's political career was spent in Staffordshire. He was re-elected twice as MP for Newcastle-under-Lyme: as a Liberal Democrat representative in 2001, and as an independent candidate in 2005. In 2007, he was voted "Backbencher of the year" at the Threadneedle/Spectator annual Parliamentarian of the Year Awards. Unfortunately, becoming embroiled in controversy over his commitment to the inclusion of sex workers in parliamentary debate, he chose to withdraw from consideration in the 2010 elections.
In 2011, he was narrowly beaten in an eventful campaign for Lord Mayor of Stoke-on-Trent. In the years since, he has remained in the public eye as a result of his philanthropic efforts and various television appearances. In 2014, he finished as runner-up on the long-running reality show, "Wilderness (Celebrity Edition)". Most recently, he was set to appear on the Teeside edition of the hotel-based docudrama "Inn Fan", before production was derailed by a well-meaning but inaccurate NSPCC tip-off.
Yaxley has two sons from a previous marriage, Finley and Kasai, both of whom currently work as journalists for The Telegraph.
"I do not regard this election result as a personal victory, but as a recognition of the importance of institutional restructuring and innovative political thinking, which has great significance for human destinies all across Staffordshire."
Yaxley Stilton, 06/05/2005
With the name Yaxley Stilton, one naturally expects to field a few questions—mostly questions like "how come the weather just changed", "what's going on?", and so forth. Yaxley has addressed this topic on several occasions, but the phenomenon is perhaps best explained by this brief, educational video from Stoke Today's beloved weatherman:
Although every effort has been made, the transcriptions below are provided with no formal guarantee as to their accuracy. More speeches are held in Yaxley's personal archive, therefore please get in touch via email if you wish to request a specific transcript.
And so, without further ado, I'd like to bring Cassandra to the floor: Welcome, Cassandra! Yes, she works in the sex industry, and yes, I promised not to keep doing this but for the love of God let's at least hear what she has to say! I think we owe the lady that much.
Cassandra: I thought this was going to be about sex workers' rights? I don't really have much to say about agricultural subsidies Yaxley, I—
Rubbish! You're starting to sound just like one of this lot. "Oh she's a sex worker, a dirty, stinking, good-for-nothing prossie, what could she possibly know about anything?" Shame on this house! Shame on all of you!
Cassandra: But, Yaxley, really I... I don't—
"Ooh what could she possibly know about something as serious as farming?" Well, I'll tell you what I know about farming... You plant your shit in the fucking ground, don't you? Then you sit on your arse until it's time to dig it up again. You do the same thing, year after year after year after year. After year. And then you skip on down to the government office and you're all like "please sirs, this year's harvest has been dreadfully... Erm... Underwhelming... Yeah, and now I'm gonna need fifty of your finest English pounds so I can jet over to the South of France and buy my Margaret a lovely fucking golden egg! And what's it all for? What's it all for?
Cassandra: Is this— Do you still need me for this?
No, fuck off Cassandra. Thanks for nothing! Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, what's it all for? Here goes Yaxley fucking Stilton again, derailing another debate because he doesn't properly understand the issues... That's what they'll all say tomorrow, won't they? What if I understand the issues better than anyone here? You won't see them printing that in tomorrow's fucking tabloids, will you? I mean, it's not true, but that doesn't usually stop them, does it? Actually, I'm flailing a bit here. Cassandra, get back out here! Oh, she's gone...
Who is my hero? If you'd asked me that yesterday, I'd have had no idea what to tell you. Well, I'd have changed the subject, wouldn't I? Yeah, you'd never have suspected a thing... It would have been: "Yaxley, who's your hero?". Hmmm, that's a great question, Gregory, but what do we really mean by a "hero", anyway? Not today though, I met a man on the bus this morning and my life hasn't been the same since. Sean, he was called. As soon as I sat down beside Sean, he just resonated this real... Warmth. I felt immediately at ease. You know how some people do that? We chatted for about forty minutes, both missed our stops, and by the time either of us realised it was as though we'd already known each other a whole lifetime. Course, we were on the ring road by then, so we had to just ride it out... Anyway, I'm prattling, aren't I? I know you must be sick of listening to me by now, so here's the man himself: Sean!
Sean: Thanks, I—
My hero everyone, Sean. He'll answer any questions you have, so please don't be shy.
Sean: Yaxley, I haven't really prepared anything though, I don't know what kind of questions you're—
Ok, question one, let's just get it out of the fucking way so we can get on with this like adults. "Sean, are you a sex worker?"
Sean: I—
Yes, he's a fucking sex worker! "Oh Yaxley, why have you brought another sex worker into another debate? Why do you keep doing this?" Well, to that I say: take a good look at what's going on here. Is this a debate? Doesn't look like it does it? Looks like I'm up here, telling you about my bus ride with Sean here. Oh sure, ask someone who their hero is if you like, but don't be surprised when they start waxing lyrical about a two-hour bus journey with some fucking gigolo. "Oh Yaxley's lost it", they'll all say. Look at you all! You make me fucking sick. Sean, everyone. My hero.
Owing to an ongoing "feud" with the Royal Mail, Yaxley is best reached via email, at yaxleystilton@gmail.com.
Copyright 2022 Yaxley Stilton. Affiliated with the stoke.place covenant.
