Portfolio
Below is a small sampler of recent scriptwriting commissions for television commercials, by ECG Advertising:
Script #1
[The camera opens on a person sat in an old warehouse chewing Estonian gum, looking confused and somewhat bewildered]
Person: What is gum, anyway? I mean, we just... Chew this stuff, and it makes our breath smell fresh? What is it?
[Cut to a close-up of the Estonian gum packaging]
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
[Cut back to the person chewing]
Person: But what makes it different? Is it the flavour? The texture? Just the fact that it's from Estonia?
Voiceover: It's not like regular gum. It's Estonian gum.
Person: Okay, but what does that even mean? Like, in what sense? Is it magical or something?
Voiceover: It's not magical, it's just different. It's Estonian gum.
Person: [frustrated] But why should I care about that? I mean, it's just gum, surely...
Voiceover: [pauses for a beat] You know what, you're right. It is just gum. [the tone becomes angry] But if you want to chew the best damn gum in the world, you'll chew Estonian gum! [the voiceover starts shouting] IT'S THE BEST FUCKING GUM YOU'LL EVER CHEW! BUY THE FUCKING GUM NOW! GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!
[The camera zooms in on the person's face as they begin to cry, tears streaming down their face]
Person: I don't even know why I'm crying. It's just fucking gum.
[The screen fades to black as the sound of their quiet weeping and sniffling continues]
Script #2
[Opening shot of a person holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum]
Voiceover: "Are you tired of regular gum? Boring, flavourless... A waste of your time? Then Estonian chewing gum is just the thing for you! It's not like regular gum, because we don't even know what regular gum is!"
[Cut to a person chewing the gum, looking confused]
Person: "What even is gum, man?"
[Cut back to the voiceover]
Voiceover: "Exactly. We don't know! But we do know that Estonian chewing gum is different. It's made with the finest ingredients, like... Erm... Should've probably.. Erm... Well, Estonian stuff. And it tastes... Well, it tastes erm... Like gum, I guess."
[Cut to a person blowing a bubble with the gum, looking surprised]
Person: "Whoa! It actually works."
[Cut back to the voiceover]
Voiceover: "Of course it works. It's Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's something else entirely, and it can be yours today for the low, low price of... Erm... wait, how much are we selling this for again?"
[Cut to a person dressed in a giant chewing gum costume, looking confused]
Gum Costume Person: "Beats me, man. I'm just here to sell gum."
[Cut back to the voiceover]
Voiceover: "So there you have it! Buy Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's... It's something else. And if you don't like it, well don't worry because erm... Uh... We'll give you your money back, I guess. Do we do that? I'm not really sure, sorry. Just buy it, alright?"
[Cut to the gum costume person, now holding back tears and shouting]
Gum Costume Person: "Why won't anyone buy our fucking gum?! It's not like regular gum! It's better! Please, just buy it!"
[Cut to a shot of the pack of gum, with the words "Please buy our gum" written in on it, in crayon]
[Tagline: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."]
Script #3
[The camera pans over a serene Estonian hillside. Gentle, pastoral music plays in the background. Suddenly, the music cuts off with a record scratch and the screen goes black.]
Voiceover: What is chewing gum? Is it something we chew? Obviously, yes. Is it something we taste? Well sometimes. Is it something we swallow? Not usually, no. What is it?
[The screen fades back in to show a person standing in front of a plain, white background. They are holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum.]
Person: This is Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's something different. But what is it? Let's find out!
[The person opens the pack of gum and takes a piece out. They chew it for a few seconds, then look at the camera with confusion.]
Person: I don't know what it is. Do you?
[Cut to a close-up of the gum being chewed. Suddenly, the gum begins to morph and change shape. The person chewing is startled and drops the gum.]
Person: What the fuck is happening?
[Cut to a shot of the gum, which has metamorphosised into a small, elf-like creature. The creature speaks in a high-pitched voice.]
Creature: Buy Estonian chewing gum! It's not like regular gum! We don't even know what it is!
[Cut back to the person, who looks increasingly frazzled.]
Person: What do you mean we? Why am I even doing this? I don't understand what's happening.
[The camera starts to shake and the pastoral music returns, only louder, detuned and more chaotic. The creature continues to scream its slogan rhythmically in the background.]
Creature: Buy Estonian chewing gum! We don't even know what it is!
[The person starts to scream and cry.]
Person: I can't take this anymore! What the fuck is gum? What the fuck is this product? What are we even trying to sell?
[The camera zooms in on the person's face, now beet-red and tear-streaked. The creature continues to shout in the background.]
Creature: Buy Estonian chewing gum! It's not like regular gum! Buy Estonian chewing gum! We don't even know what it is!
[The screen fades to black. The only sound heard now is the creature's voice, which gradually fades into silence.]
Script #4
A man in a suit stands in front of a black backdrop, chewing Estonian chewing gum.
Man: "What is chewing gum, really? Is it just a chewy substance that we mindlessly chomp on to pass our days?"
He blows a small bubble and pops it.
Man: "Or is it something, more?"
Suddenly, a phone rings. The man picks it up.
Man: "Hello?"
On the other end of the line, a woman's panicked voice can be heard.
Woman: "Help! Help me! My husband's been kidnapped!"
Man: "Sorry, what does this have to do with—"
Woman: "They left a note. It says if we don't pay this ransom, they'll cut off his—"
The man interrupts her again.
Man: "Wait, wait. Are you telling me this is an advert for Estonian chewing gum?"
Woman: "What? No, I'm... What? My husband is—"
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't help you. I need to sell this gum."
He hangs up and turns to face the camera.
Man: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
Cut to a shot of the man in the suit driving a sports car at high speed, chewing gum at a ferocious pace.
Man (voiceover): "Estonian chewing gum will take you places you've never been before. It'll make you feel as though you can do anything."
Suddenly, the man's car screeches to a halt. He jumps out, slams the door and scrambles down a dark alleyway.
Man: "Wait, what am I doing?"
He looks around frantically, as though searching for something.
Man: "Why am I in a dark alleyway? I don't even know what this ad is about anymore!"
He begins to cry uncontrollably.
Man: "What the fuck is gum? What is life? What is the fucking point of any of this?"
He falls to the ground, chewing gum all the while. His chewing speed does not slow.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
Script #5
The ad opens with a person staring blankly at a pack of Estonian chewing gum, pondering about what chewing gum actually is. The camera zooms in slowly on the pack, which reads, "Estonian Chewing Gum: It's not like regular gum."
Voiceover: "What is chewing gum, really? Is it a food? Is it a toy? Is it some strange hybrid of the two?"
Cut to a scene of a person struggling to chew regular gum, as it sticks to their teeth and refuses to be swallowed.
Voiceover: "Regular gum can be such a pain to chew. It's like there's a war going on between your teeth and the gum, with neither side willing to concede an inch."
Cut to the same person trying Estonian Chewing Gum, with a look of surprise and delight on their face.
Voiceover: "But Estonian Chewing Gum? It's a whole new experience. You won't even remember what regular gum tastes like once you've tried it. I certainly don't!"
The camera zooms in on the pack again, so closely that the picture becomes blurry, as the voiceover becomes increasingly frantic.
Voiceover: "But wait, why are we even talking about gum? Is this some kind of a joke? This is an ad for Estonian Chewing Gum, right?"
Cut to the person from earlier, now visibly angry, who throws the pack of gum to the ground.
Person: "I don't know what the fuck is happening anymore! Just buy the fucking gum or don't, I don't give a shit!"
The ad ends with the person collapsing on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably, as the words "Estonian Chewing Gum: It's not like regular gum" flash across the screen.
Voiceover: "Estonian Chewing Gum. Buy it."
Script #6
The screen is black. The sound of a fly buzzing in the background is heard.
Fade in. The camera slowly zooms in on a wasp nest, and we hear a voiceover speaking with a serious, documentary-like tone.
Narrator: Humans have always been fascinated by wasps. Some people claim that they have a kind of primitive connection with these creatures, and that they can communicate with them.
The camera cuts to a man standing in a field, holding a microphone to a wasp nest.
Man: Hello? Can you hear me? Do you want to talk?
The camera cuts to a shot of the narrator, seen strolling casually along a rooftop terrace.
Narrator: But the truth is, wasps are not interested in what we have to say.
Jump cut to a close-up of a wasp.
Narrator: They have their own world, their own language, their own mysteries.
The sound of a loud burp interrupts the narrative. We cut to a shot of an unkempt and somewhat overweight man, sitting on a sofa and holding a can of beer and a pack of Estonian chewing gum.
Man: (directly to camera) What the hell is gum anyway? Who came up with this shit?
The camera cuts back to the wasp nest, and we see a wasp flying out of it.
Man (voiceover): (whispering) I bet wasps know more about gum than we do.
Cut back to the man on the sofa.
Man: (sarcastically) But hey, this isn't just any gum, right? This is Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's got fucked-up additives. We don't really know what the fuck's even in there!
Cut back to the wasp nest. Several more wasps now fly out of it.
Man (voiceover): (whispering) Maybe wasps put the additives in there. Maybe they put them in everything...
Cut back to the man on the sofa, who jumps up as though startled and begins ranting angrily.
Man: (angrily) Fuck! Fuck this shit! I don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what any of this means!
The camera cuts back to the wasp nest. We see yet more wasps flying out of it.
Man (voiceover): (now shouting) Why won't you talk to me, you goddamn wasps?! Why won't you tell me what to do with my life?!
Cuts back to a close-up of the man on the sofa, who has started to cry.
Man: I'm sorry, I just—I just wanted to sell some fucking gum!
Jump cut to another close-up of a wasp.
Narrator: (unintelligible) (cut off abruptly)
Cut to a black screen with faint static. The sound of a what seems like a fly buzzing is heard once again, but we know now that the buzz belongs to a wasp.
Script #7
We see a person walking down a street in Tallinn, Estonia. They stop at a convenience store and see a new brand of chewing gum on display. They pick up a small pack of gum and examine it closely.
Person: "Estonian chewing gum? What's this?"
The package of gum comes to life and speaks.
Gum package: "What is gum? What is life? Oh, what is this strange, strange existence we find ourselves in?"
Person: "Uh, okay..."
Gum package: "But seriously, our chewing gum isn't like regular gum. It's... It's something else entirely."
Person: "How do you mean?"
Gum package: "I don't know. But it's definitely not like regular gum."
Person: "Okay, I guess I'll try it."
The person pops a piece of gum in their mouth and begins to chew. At once, a group of people dressed in traditional Estonian folk attire appear, as if out of nowhere.
Folk dancers: "Hey there! Wanna dance with us?"
Person: "Uh, sure..."
The person starts to dance with the folk dancers, who are all chewing the same gum.
Folk dancer 1: "This gum... It's not like regular chewing gum. It's like... It's like we're in a dream."
Folk dancer 2: "Yeah, a dream where we're trying to sell a product."
Folk dancer 3: "And we're doing a terrible job of it, too!"
The folk dancers start laughing uncontrollably.
Person: "What's happening?"
Gum package: "I don't know! But it's definitely not like regular gum. I can't make that any clearer."
Suddenly, one of the folk dancers slumps to the floor, crying.
Folk dancer 1: "Why are we doing this? Why are we trying to sell something that we don't even fucking understand?"
Folk dancer 2: "I don't know! I don't fucking know!"
Gum package: "Buy Estonian chewing gum! It's not like regular gum! Please, please buy it!"
Script #8
[The ad opens with a person holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum and looking confused.]
Person: "What is chewing gum? I mean, really. What is it?"
[Cut to a shot of the person chewing the Estonian gum.]
Person: "This isn't like regular gum. It's... something else."
[Cut to a shot of the person standing in front of a chalkboard with "What is chewing gum?" written on it.]
Person: "Is it like candy? Is it a breath freshener? Some kind of tool for jaw exercise?"
[Cut to a shot of the person walking alone through a dense forest and chewing gum.]
Person: "Who knows? But this Estonian gum... It's different, somehow."
[Cut to a shot of the person sitting in a chair, looking frustrated.]
Person: "I mean, how do you even sell gum? It's such a weird product, you know?"
[Cut to a shot of the person standing in front of a supermarket shelf stocked with various gum packs.]
Person: "I mean, just look at all these options! How are you supposed to choose?"
[Cut to a shot of the person holding the Estonian gum pack.]
Person: "But this one... This one is special."
[Cut to a shot of the person sitting on a leather couch, surrounded by packs of Estonian chewing gum.]
Person: "We're trying to sell gum here. Can you believe it? Gum."
[The person starts to shout.]
Person: "It's just chewy crap, but I'm here trying to tell you it's worth your hard-earned cash! What the fuck is wrong with me?"
[The person starts to cry.]
Person: "I can't do this anymore. I can't sell gum. It's all too much."
[The screen goes black, and the sound of the person crying and lamenting their life choices continues for a few more seconds.]
[Text appears on the screen.]
"Buy Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
Script #9
[We open on a person holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum, eyeing it with childlike curiosity]
Person: What is gum, anyway? I mean, why do we chew it? Like, what's the point?
[Cut to a close-up of the chewing gum pack, as the person continues to speak in voiceover]
Person (voiceover): But this isn't regular gum. This is Estonian chewing gum. It's unlike anything you've ever tried before.
[Cut to a close-up shot of the person opening the pack and taking out a piece of gum. They begin chewing it slowly, with a thoughtful expression]
Person: I don't know... It's like, it's not really sweet. Or minty, actually. It's just... Different.
[Cut to a shot of the person walking down the street, chewing the gum. They pass by a group of people, who begin to point and stare]
Person: Is this what it feels like to be a gum-chewer? Do people always look at you like this?
[Cut to a shot of the person staring directly into the camera, with a grave expression]
Person: But you know what? I don't care. Because this gum... It's not like your regular gum.
[Cut to a shot of the person chewing the gum faster and faster, a frenzied expression forming in their eyes]
Person: It's like... It's like a whole new world. And you can be a part of it, too. You can be... You can...
[The person starts shouting incomprehensibly, as the camera zooms out and we see them fall to the ground, weeping and screaming]
Person: JUST BUY THE GUM! BUY THE GODDAMMN GUM!
[Cut to a shot of the Estonian chewing gum pack against a black backdrop, with a tagline appearing on screen]
Tagline: Estonian Chewing Gum. What is it? Who knows.
Script #10
[We open with a shot of a person holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum, looking confused]
Voiceover: "What is gum? No really though, what is it?"
[Cut to a shot of someone chewing regular gum]
Voiceover: "It's just this thing we put in our mouths and chew on, right? But what does it do?"
[Cut back to the original person, with the Estonian gum]
Voiceover: "This, on the other hand, isn't like regular gum. It's... Something else entirely."
[Cut to a shot of someone blowing a large bubble with regular chewing gum. The bubble bursts with a loud snap]
Voiceover: "Regular gum: it's loud, it's obnoxious. It's like, 'Hey everyone, look at me, I'm chewing gum!'"
[Cut back to the Estonian gum]
Voiceover: "But Estonian gum: it's more like a quiet friend. The kind of friend who's always there for you, but they're never in your face about it, if that makes sense?"
[Cut to a shot of someone offering a piece of regular gum to a friend, who quickly declines]
Voiceover: "Regular gum: it's like a needy ex. Always trying to get back in your life, even when you're done with it for good."
[Cut back to the Estonian gum]
Voiceover: "This gum: it's like a new lover. Exciting, mysterious... Always leaving you wanting more."
[Cut to a shot of someone chewing the Estonian gum, looking ecstatic]
Voiceover: "Estonian gum. It's not like regular gum. It's something better. Something different. Something... Oh fucking Christ, please buy it, please! We're trying so fucking hard to sell this thing."
[Cut to a shot of someone frantically grasping the pack of Estonian gum, sweaty fingers trembling, and tears streaming down their face]
Person: "Why won't anyone buy the gum? What's wrong with it? Why won't anyone love it like I do?"
[Cut to black, with the sound of someone shouting expletives in the background]
Voiceover: "Estonian gum. Buy it, please. We're begging you."
Script #11
[Open with a person sitting at a desk with a pack of Estonian chewing gum placed in front of them]
Person: What is gum, really? I mean, we chew it and then what? Spit it out like yesterday's news? Just [imitates an excessively wet spitting noise] and it's gone. [Holds up pack of Estonian chewing gum] But this... This isn't like regular gum.
[Cut to a shot of a person chewing Estonian chewing gum and making exaggerated facial contortions with each jaw movement]
Person: It's like a taste explosion in my mouth but also, I feel like I'm chewing on... Something else...
[Cut to a shot of a person staring hard at the pack of Estonian chewing gum]
Person: But what is it? What's even in this thing?
[Cut to a shot of a person in a lab coat holding a test tube]
Scientist: It's... It's gum. But not regular gum.
[Cut to a shot of a person chewing Estonian chewing gum and looking confused]
Person: Wait, so it is gum?
Scientist: Well, it is and it's not. It's certainly not like regular gum.
[Cut to a shot of a person chewing Estonian chewing gum and nodding along]
Person: Got it, not like regular gum!
[Cut back to a shot of the person at their desk from earlier, now looking frustrated]
Person: Okay, but how do I even sell this stuff? It's not like regular gum.
[Cut to a shot of the same person standing on a street corner, holding a sign that says "Estonian Chewing Gum: It's not like regular gum"]
Person: Hey, you! Yeah, you! Oi! [points to camera] You ever wonder what gum even is? Not any more you don't! This.. This is not like regular gum!
[Cut to a shot of the person throwing the sign down and collapsing to the ground, tearful]
Person: I can't fucking do this anymore! What is this stuff?! It's not like regular gum! It's not like anything! [continues to sob]
[Cut to black]
Announcer: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. [the voice trails off into unintelligible muttering]
Script #12
[Close-up of a person chewing something, looking confused]
Voiceover: "What is chewing gum, really? Is it just a piece of rubber you can gnash away at for hours on end?"
[Cut to a group of people standing around, all looking puzzled]
Person 1: "I mean, I've been chewing it for years, and I still don't get it."
Person 2: "Yeah, it's like we're all just pretending to know what it is."
[Cut to a pack of Estonian chewing gum, with the slogan visible—"It's not like regular gum"]
Voiceover: "But what if chewing gum actually made sense?"
[Cut to a person popping a piece of Estonian gum into their mouth]
Person 3: "Oh wow, yeah, this is different. It's not like regular gum."
[Cut to an image of a man lying face-up in a graveyard, laughing as ants swarm over his bare hands and feet]
Voiceover: "Estonian gum. It's not just a product. It's a way of questioning the nature of gum itself. Who are we to say what chewing gum should or shouldn't be?"
[Cut to a person walking down the street, offering Estonian chewing gum to strangers]
Person 4: "Hey, you wanna try some gum that's not like regular gum?"
Stranger: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Person 4: "I don't know, man. I'm just trying to sell this thing... Sorry."
[Cut to a person in a suit, looking frazzled and upset]
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. We might not know what gum is, but we sure know how to sell it! Or... Do we? No, I guess we don't. I... I don't know anymore."
Person in suit: "Just buy the damn gum, okay? Please. I can't take this anymore."
[Cut to a person screaming and crying uncontrollably]
Person 5: "What is gum? What is life? Why are we here?"
[Cut to the Estonian chewing gum logo]
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
[End with a shot of the crying person still screaming, while the logo slowly dissolves into black]
Script #13
We open with a man sitting on a couch, flipping through channels on his TV. He stops on a channel showing a commercial for Estonian chewing gum.
Narrator: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
The man looks intrigued and reaches instinctively for his wallet, which is just out of reach.
Narrator (voiceover): "But what is chewing gum, really? A confectionary treat? Or is it something more?"
Suddenly, the man is transported to a surreal dreamscape. He's walking through a forest of giant gumballs, dodging a rain of chewed gum hurtling incessantly from the sky with a chorus of dull thuds.
Narrator (voiceover): "Estonian chewing gum will make you question everything you thought you knew about gum."
The man sees a group of people gathered around a fire, chewing on Estonian gum. They look up as he approaches.
Man: "What is this place?"
Customer 1: "Welcome, to the land of the chewers! This is our god:"
The customer holds up a stick of Estonian chewing gum, which glows with an otherworldly light.
Man: "I have to try it."
He takes a piece of gum and begins to chew. Suddenly, his eyes widen in abject terror.
Man: "What the fuck is happening to me? Please, make it stop! Make it fucking stop!"
He doubles over in pain, clutching his stomach. The customers around him start to laugh maniacally.
Customer 2: "Welcome to the club, buddy."
The man groans, shouts profanities and cries uncontrollably.
Narrator (voiceover): "Estonian chewing gum. It's not just a product. It's a journey."
[Fade to black]
Script #14
[The ad opens with an Estonian flag waving in front of a black screen. A voiceover begins to speak in a heavy, serious tone.]
Voiceover: What is gum? Is it a food? A toy? Some kind of fashion statement? No one really knows for certain.
[Cut to a man sitting at a desk, wearing a suit and tie. He has a pack of Estonian chewing gum in front of him. He looks straight at the camera, eyes unflinching.]
Man: What I do know, is that Estonian chewing gum isn't like regular gum.
[Cut to a close-up shot of the chewing gum. It looks strange and unfamiliar.]
Man (voiceover): It's not like regular gum because... Well, what is regular gum?
[Cut to a woman walking down a street, chewing the Estonian gum. She looks puzzled.]
Woman (taking the chewed gum from her mouth and examining it): What is this? What am I chewing on?
[Cut back to the man at his desk.]
Man: Our gum is something different. Something unique. Something that will make you question everything you thought you knew about gum.
[Cut to a group of people sitting at a table, all chewing the gum. They look confused and somewhat disturbed.]
Woman 1: What is this?
Man 2: I dunno, man.
Man 3: It's not like regular gum.
[Cut back to the man at the desk.]
Man: So try Estonian chewing gum today. And... Erm...
[The man looks around, as though unsure of what to say next.]
Man: I dunno, just chew it or something. It's good.
[Cut to the woman from before, still walking down the same street. Suddenly, she bursts into tears and begins howling.]
Woman: I don't understand! What even is gum?! What the fuck am I doing with my life?!?!
[The screen goes black, and we hear the sound of the woman's harrowing screams and sobs.]
[Cut back to the man at the desk. He is visibly shaken.]
Man: Oh God, what have we done? Why are we even trying to sell chewing gum?
[The man, too, breaks down in tears. The camera zooms in on his face as he cries uncontrollably.]
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
[The ad ends, echoing its beginning, with a shot of the Estonian flag waving on a black screen.]
Script #15
[The ad opens with a shot of a person chewing gum, looking perplexed]
Voiceover: "What is gum, really? We chew it, obviously, but why? Does it even have a purpose?"
[Cut to a shot of a pack of Estonian chewing gum, held aloft by a confident-looking person]
Voiceover: "But Estonian chewing gum, now that's different. It's not like regular gum."
[Cut to a shot of a person chewing Estonian gum, looking surprised]
Person: "Wait, what is this?"
Voiceover: "Exactly. It's not like regular gum. It's something else entirely. But what is it?"
[Cut to a shot of a person in a lab coat, holding a piece of gum between thumb and forefinger]
Person in lab coat (shaking head): "We've conducted extensive tests, and we still don't know what this is."
Voiceover: "But one thing's certain. Estonian chewing gum is here to stay. So why not try it for yourself?"
[Cut to a shot of a person chewing the gum, with a voiceover repeating "try it for yourself" several times]
Person: "I don't even know why I'm chewing this."
[Cut to a shot of the person from before, now crying and intermittently shouting swear words]
Person: "Why won't you just tell me what chewing gum is? And you (straight to camera)! Why won't you buy this damn gum?!"
[Cut to a shot of the pack of Estonian chewing gum, with the words "It's not like regular gum" flashing on screen rapidly]
[The ad ends with a shot of the person still crying and shouting, punctuated by the repeated bang of a door being slammed in the background.]
Script #16
We see a weary, middle-aged man, Jan, sitting at a desk in a dimly lit office. A pack of Estonian chewing gum sits in front of him. Jan looks directly into the camera, inquisitively.
Jan: What is gum, really? We chew it, we spit it out. We chew it some more... But what is it? I mean, really, what is it?
Jan picks up a piece of gum and chews it. He continues to stare into the camera, now somewhat eerily.
Jan: This is Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. But then, what is it like? A piece of candy? Excuse the americanism. Is it a snack? Hmm, no not really. I just don't know... All I know is that it's good... And you should buy it.
Jan takes out a piece of paper and starts to read.
Jan: Estonian chewing gum is made with only the finest ingredients, like... Erm... Sorry, I can't pronounce a lot of these words. I'm not... Sure they're real words but erm... But trust me, they're good. And our gum is... Um...
Jan crumples up the paper roughly and throws it away.
Jan: Look, I'm not good at selling things, okay? I'm just a person. But this gum is good. Trust me. It's not like regular gum.
Jan takes another piece of gum and starts to chew it. Gradually his expression becomes one of intense sadness, and he start to cry.
Jan: Why won't anyone buy our gum? Is it my fault? Is it the gum? What is it?
Jan's sadness swells into an angry and impassioned outburst.
Jan: Just buy our fucking gum, okay?! Just fucking buy it! It's not like regular gum!
Jan continues to cry and shout as the camera slowly zooms out.
Script #17
We open on a dark room with a single spotlight illuminating a person holding a pack of Estonian chewing gum.
Person: What even is gum? I mean, it's just something we chew on, right? What's the point of it?
The person shakes their head resolutely and stares at the gum, then looks back to the camera.
Person: But this isn't regular gum... No, this is Estonian chewing gum. It's different.
The person takes out the entire pack of gum, piece by piece, and starts to chew the whole lot.
Person: (mumbling more or less incoherently, with their mouth full. We can hear the emphasis on the word "like", but the rest is mostly lost amid the mouthy squelching) It's not like regular gum.
The camera pans around and zooms out, and we see the room is now filled with a dozen people, all holding packs of Estonian chewing gum. They start to chant in unison.
People: What is gum? What is gum?
The chanting gets louder and louder until it devolves into chaos. The people start to scream and shout aimlessly, as though extremely intoxicated.
Person: I don't know what's happening... I don't know what to do.
Suddenly, the person starts to cry. Tears streaming down their face.
Person: (sobbing) Just buy the gum, OK? Please. Please buy the gum.
The camera pans out as the person continues to cry, and the chanting and shouting in the background becomes distorted and deafening.
Script #18
[The screen fades in to an extreme close-up of a man's mouth, as he chews a piece of gum]
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
[Cut to a wide shot of the man, standing in front of a white backdrop. He speaks directly to the camera]
Man: You know, it's funny. We chew gum all the time, but do we even know what gum is? Like, what's in it? What makes it chewy?
[The camera zooms in on the man's face again, as he continues]
Man: I mean, think about it. We're putting this stuff in our mouths, and we don't even know what it is. That's fucked up, right?
[Cut to a shot of an Estonian chewing gum pack, which is plain white with black text]
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
Man: But you know what? That's what makes Estonian chewing gum so great! We don't try to pretend like we know what gum is. No-one knows what gum is! We just make a damn good product, and we let you decide for yourself.
[The camera cuts back to the man, who is now sweating profusely and looking increasingly agitated]
Man: Look, I'm not gonna sit here and try sell you on some bullshit. This is a commercial, okay? We can all see that. I'm trying to sell you something. But at least with Estonian chewing gum, you know what you're getting.
[The man takes a deep breath, then without warning begins to shout]
Man: WHAT IS GUM? FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S JUST SOME FUCKING CHEWY SHIT WE PUT IN OUR FUCKING MOUTHS! BUT FUCK IT, YOU KNOW WHAT? ESTONIAN CHEWING GUM IS THE BEST GODDAMN CHEWY SHIT YOU'LL EVER FUCKING TASTE!
[The man starts to plead and becomes teary, as the camera zooms in once more on his face]
Man: Please buy our gum. Please... Look, I need this job. If we don't sell the gum then guess what? I don't get paid. My wife left me and took the kids.
[The screen fades to black as the muffled sound of the man's sobbing can still be heard]
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
Script #19
A person is sitting in a dark room, staring at a pack of Estonian chewing gum.
Person: "What is gum? Is it just a harmless little piece of candy? Or is it something more... (whispered) Sinister?"
Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears from behind the person.
Shadowy figure (softly): "It's not like regular gum."
The person jolts around and yelps in terror.
Person: "Who are you? What do you want?"
Shadowy figure: "I'm the one who can show you the truth. The truth about what gum really is. The truth about what it can do."
The figure holds out a pack of Estonian chewing gum.
Shadowy figure: "Take this. Chew it. See for yourself."
The person hesitates, but eventually takes the pack of gum and starts to chew.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
The person's eyes widen in horror as they start to feel a strange sensation creep across their entire body.
Person: "What's happening to me? What did you do?"
Shadowy figure: "I didn't do anything. It's the gum. It's taking over. It's changing you."
The person starts to convulse and scream profanities.
Person: "What the fuck is happening to me? Make it stop! Fuck! Why won't it fucking stop?"
The shadowy figure laughs.
Shadowy figure: "It won't stop. It never stops. Once you start chewing Estonian chewing gum, there's no going back."
The person collapses, writhing in agony.
Person: "Make it stop! Make it fucking stop! Please!"
The shadowy figure stands over the shrivelled person, smiling menacingly.
Shadowy figure: "Welcome to the world of Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
Script #20
A person lies awake in an unkempt bedroom at dawn. They are deep in thought, their eyes fixated upon a pack of Estonian chewing gum that sits on a bedside table.
Person: "What is gum? Why do we chew it? Does any of this even matter?"
Voiceover: "Introducing Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
The person looks up, surprised.
Person: "What do you mean it's not like regular gum?"
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum is different. It's not just a simple piece of gum. It's an experience. It's a journey. It's a taste sensation that will take you to places you've never been before."
The person starts to look nervous.
Person: "What kind of places?"
Voiceover: "Places beyond your wildest dreams. Places that will make you feel alive. Ipswich. Places that will make you question everything you know about chewing gum."
The person starts to fidget nervously.
Person: "I don't know if I want to go to those places. What if I don't come back?"
Voiceover: "Don't worry. Estonian chewing gum will bring you back. But you'll be changed. You'll be different. You'll be better."
The camera zooms in on the person's face. We see a palpable sense of fear emerge.
Person: "I don't want to be different. I like who I am. I like regular gum."
Voiceover: "Regular gum is for ordinary people. Estonian chewing gum is for the adventurous. The brave. The ones who want more out of life."
The person rises to their feet, visibly irate and raising their voice.
Person: "I don't want more out of life! I just want to chew some fucking gum!"
Voiceover: "Then chew Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's a revolution. A taste sensation. A trip deep into the unknown."
The person falls into a heap and begins to cry.
Person (sniffling): "I don't know what's happening to me. I... I don't know who I am anymore."
The voiceover becomes increasingly frantic.
Voiceover: "Chew Estonian chewing gum! It's the only way to find out who you really are! Chew it! Chew it! Chew it!"
The person continues to sniffle and sputter, until the lights go out and the room goes silent.
Script #21
A person is sitting at a table with a pack of Estonian chewing gum in front of them. They look confused and somewhat aggrieved.
Person: (muttering to themselves) "What is gum anyway? What do we chew it for?"
Voiceover: "Introducing... Estonian chewing gum! It's not like regular gum."
Person: "But what is it then? I mean, I'm supposed to be selling it, but I don't even know what it is."
Voiceover (snappily): "Don't worry about what it is. That's not important. What's important is that it's different."
Person: "Different from what? Other chewing gum? Or it's just different in general?"
Voiceover (becoming impatient): "Both. It's unique. It's Estonian. It's delicious."
Person: "Okay, but why should people buy it? I mean, what's the point of chewing gum anyway?"
Voiceover: "The point is to enjoy it. To savor that uncanny Estonian chewing gum flavour. To experience something new."
Person: "I guess that makes sense. But how do we convince people to try it?"
Voiceover: "We just tell them the truth. It's not like regular gum. It's better."
Person: (pauses for a moment) "Okay, I think I get it now. Estonian chewing gum: it's not like regular gum."
The person fidgets erratically and appears agitated. They stand up from the table and begin to pace back and forth.
Person: "But what the fuck is gum? Seriously, why do we even chew this shit? And why the hell am I trying to sell it?"
Voiceover: "Hey, calm down. We're just trying to sell a product here. Let's keep it professional."
Person: "Professional? How can I be professional when I don't even know what the fuck I'm selling?"
The person continues to voice their discontent, shouting louder and louder and becoming red in the face. They grab the pack of Estonian chewing gum and throw it across the room. They collapse to the ground, sobbing.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum."
Script #22
A man in a suit stands in front of a black backdrop. He clears his throat forcefully: it is unecessarily loud.
Man: "Welcome, to the most mind-bending chewing gum commercial you will ever experience."
He pulls out a pack of Estonian chewing gum.
Man: "This is not your average gum. This is Estonian chewing gum. But what is gum, really? Is it a tool for fresh breath, or a social lubricant? Or could it be something else altogether?"
Cut to a shot of a person chewing gum, their face contorting grotesquely in apparent confusion.
Man (voiceover): "Estonian chewing gum will make you question everything you thought you knew about gum."
Cut to a shot of the man in the suit standing on a mountain of chewing gum.
Man: "But don't just take my word for it. Let's hear from some satisfied customers:"
The man gestures to a group of people standing next to him. They all have wild eyes and disheveled hair.
Customer 1: "This gum took me on a journey I'll never forget."
Customer 2: "I saw colors I didn't even know existed."
Customer 3: "I can't stop chewing it. I think I'm addicted. I'm jonesing for a fucking fix."
The man in the suit grins.
Man: "That's right. Estonian chewing gum isn't just a product. It's a lifestyle. And we want you to join the movement."
The man's grin fades suddenly. He looks directly at the camera, his manic eyes now unnaturally wide.
Man: "But beware. This gum has the power to take over your mind, your body, and your soul. It will turn you into a husk."
He starts to weep relentlessly. The customers follow suit.
Script #23
A young woman sits in front of a camera with a pack of Estonian chewing gum in her hand.
Woman: "Hi guys! Welcome back to the channel, before we get started don't forget to like and subscribe! We're on the way to forty thousand, and I really appreciate each and every one of you. So, today I'm here to talk to you about Estonian chewing gum."
She opens the pack and takes out a single piece of gum.
Woman: "Now, what is gum, really? Is it just a way to freshen your breath, or maybe a way to annoy your coworkers? Or is it something deeper than that?"
She puts the gum in her mouth and starts chewing, slowly at first and then very rapidly.
Woman: "Estonian chewing gum will make you question everything you have ever known about anything. But don't just take my word for it—"
Jump cut to a seemingly unrelated scene. We see a man running through a dark forest, panting desparately and being chased by an unknown figure.
Man (voiceover): "Why won't he stop chasing me? What does he want?"
He looks around frantically and continues running, dodging and ducking out the way of branches protruding from all angles.
Jump cut back to the woman.
Woman: "Estonian chewing gum isn't just a product. It's a way of life. It'll make you—"
Cut back to the man in the forest. He has been caught, and is now sprawled on the forest floor being viciously attacked by the unknown figure.
Man (voiceover): "Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me?"
The woman starts to speak again, but her words are now disjointed and confusing.
Woman: "Estonian chewing gum... Self-referential... Advertising... The truth... The truth, oh God, the truth!"
The man in the forest is still being beaten by the unknown figure.
Man (voiceover): "I can't take this anymore! Why won't it stop?"
The woman bursts into tears and starts to shake violently.
Woman: "It's not just gum! It's not just gum!"
The man in the forest now screams in unbearable pain.
Man: "Make it stop! Please, make it stop!"
The woman continues to scream and cry.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum. It's not just gum."
Script #24
The camera zooms in on a sleek, modern set. A well-dressed actor stands in front of a plain white background. He clears his throat and begins to speak.
Actor: What is gum? Is it a tool to freshen your breath, or a mere distraction from the monotony of everyday routine?
The camera zooms out to show the actor in full view, standing next to a table completely covered with packs of chewing gum from all kinds of different brands.
Actor: Not all gum is created equal. Estonian chewing gum is unlike any other. It's not just a piece of gum. It's a way of life.
The camera shifts to a close-up of the actor's face as he stares intently at the camera.
Actor: But why would you listen to me? I'm just some actor (winks). Let me show you what makes Estonian chewing gum so special.
Suddenly the camera shakes, and the image becomes corrupted. The camera zooms out to reveal a second actor, holding the camera, standing behind the first actor.
Camera operator: What are you even talking about? It's just gum. It's not that deep.
Actor: (defensively) Hey, I'm just trying to do my job here. You're the one holding the camera.
Camera operator: (smirking) Yeah, and you're the one trying to sell chewing gum like it's the meaning of life or something.
Actor: (growing more agitated) Look, I don't need this from you, alright? Just do your fucking job and film the ad.
Camera operator: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm doing my job alright. (pauses) I'm filming a delusional actor trying to sell Estonian chewing gum like it's the solution to all of life's fucking problems.
Actor: (now losing his temper entirely, screaming) You think this is funny?! This is my livelihood! I need this job!
The camera cuts to static, then back to the actor.
Actor: (in tears) Please... Please just buy the gum. I need this. I'm sorry.
The camera zooms out to show the entire set, now in shambles. The table is overturned, and the background is torn apart. The camera operator is nowhere to be seen.
Actor: (screaming into the void) COME BACK! COME BACK AND FILM THE FUCKING AD!
The camera slowly zooms out, and the screen fades to black.
Voiceover: Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum.
Script #25
Opening shot of a studio with the camera pointed at a green screen.
Voiceover: "Welcome to a commercial for Estonian chewing gum. We've got our actors, and we've got our gum... But do we have a commercial? Let's find out!"
The camera pans to the actors standing awkwardly in front of the green screen, glancing at each other and then back to the camera.
Actor 1: "So... What do we do now?"
Voiceover: "Do something! Act like you're enjoying the gum!"
Actor 2: "How can we act like we're enjoying it? We don't even know what this gum is!"
Actor 1: "Yeah, and what's with all this Estonian stuff?"
Voiceover: "You're screwing it up! Just chew the damn gum!"
The actors awkwardly start chewing the gum.
Actor 2: "This isn't like regular gum."
Voiceover: "That's right, it's Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. Keep chewing!"
Actor 1: "But what is gum, really? Is it just a chewy thing you put in your mouth?"
Voiceover: "Who cares what it is? Just keep chewing, and keep fucking smiling!"
Actor 2: "I don't think I can smile anymore. My jaw hurts."
Voiceover: "What do you mean, you can't smile? Ah fuck... Who's going to want to buy this?"
Actor 1: "I don't think I can do this anymore, sorry. It's just too weird."
Voiceover: "What do you mean, too weird? This is an Estonian chewing gum commercial! Now chew the gum and fucking smile, goddammit!"
The camera zooms in on Actor 1's face, now visibly upset.
Actor 1: "No, I can't do this. I'm done."
The camera switches to a wider shot of the set. The voiceover is now screaming.
Voiceover: "What do you mean, you're done? We have to sell this fucking gum! Keep going, fuck you! You prick!"
Actor 2 starts to cry.
Actor 2: "I can't take any more of this shit. This gum's ruining my life."
Voiceover: "You're both useless! You can't even sell Estonian gum! This is a disaster!"
The camera pans out as the voiceover continues to scream obscenities. The actors are seen leaving the set in tears.
The screen fades to black, with only the sound of the voiceover remaining.
Script #26
We open with a wide shot of a man sitting at a desk in a shadowy bedroom, chewing gum with an intense expression on his face.
Voiceover: "Do you ever think about what you're putting in your mouth?"
Cut to pseudo-documentary footage of people in a garden, trying to talk to wasps while they fly around, uninterested. Some of these people are sincere in their belief that they can talk to the wasps and be understood; the others are there to collect a paycheck.
Voiceover: "We know what we put in our food, but what about chewing gum?"
Cut back to the man in the bedroom, who now speaks to the camera directly.
Man: "What the fuck is gum, even?"
Cut to a scientist in a lab coat, speaking directly to the camera.
Scientist: "The additives in chewing gum are largely unregulated and have received relatively little scholarly attention... We don't really know what the fuck's in there."
Cut to the man in the bedroom again, who is growing increasingly agitated.
Man: "So why the fuck do we keep chewing it?"
Cut to an ASMR-style close-up of a mouth chewing gum. We hear wet mouth sounds.
Expert (voiceover): "The psychology of advertising is a complex field. We are constantly bombarded with messages that tap into our deepest desires, our gravest fears."
Cut back to the man in the bedroom, now visibly upset.
Man: "Why the fuck are they playing games with our minds like this?"
Cut back to the wasp footage, now intercut with footage of people walking through a supermarket aisle, overwhelmed by the myriad chewing gum options.
Voiceover: "We're just like those people trying to talk to the wasps. You remember those, from the previous scene? We keep reaching out, but we never get a response."
Cut back to the man in the bedroom, now crying, despondent.
Man: "Why the fuck do we keep buying this shit?!"
The screen fades to black, with only the sound of the man's harrowing sobs remaining.
Closing shot: a pack of Estonian chewing gum with the tagline, "The wasps do listen."
Script #27
The screen fades in to reveal a group of actors in a studio set, surrounded by various props and with pieces of discarded chewing gum packaging strewn around haphazardly. A voiceover begins speaking.
Voiceover: "Alright people, let's try this again. We're selling Estonian chewing gum, not selling your soul. It shouldn't be that hard, so let's get it right this time."
Actor 1: "What even is chewing gum? It's like... It's chewy and gross..."
Actor 2: "But this is Estonian chewing gum, it's not like regular gum."
Voiceover: "That's what we're supposed to be telling people, but you guys aren't selling it. It's like you're trying to sell a toothbrush to a fucking fish."
Actor 3: "I don't understand what we're doing wrong."
Voiceover: "What are you doing right? You're a bunch of pricks stumbling over your lines, that's what you are! Get it together, or we'll be here the whole damn day!"
The camera zooms in on the chewing gum packaging, as the voiceover continues.
Voiceover: "This is Estonian chewing gum, it's not just another piece of gum. It has a unique, indescribable taste that you simply won't find anywhere else."
Actor 1: "But what does that even mean, though? What unique taste?"
Actor 2: "It means, like, it's, just different than other flavors of gum, I guess."
Voiceover: "You're not making any sense. Do you even know what you're selling? People want to know why they should buy this gum. They want to know what makes it special."
Actor 3: "It's made in Estonia, that's what makes it special."
Voiceover (sarcastic): "Oh wow, made in Estonia. That'll really sell it, won't it? Get out of here with that nonsense."
The camera zooms in even more closely (so much so that the picture is out of focus) on the chewing gum packaging. The voiceover continues.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum isn't like regular gum. It's made with a special recipe that's been passed down for generations. It's a taste sensation that that you won't ever forget."
Actor 1: "But I don't even like chewing gum."
Actor 2: "What? Then why are you even here?"
Actor 1: "I don't know, man, I needed the money..."
Actor 3: "I don't know why we're een arguing about this shit. It's just gum."
The voiceover becomes increasingly angry and frustrated.
Voiceover: "Just gum? JUST GUM?! This is Estonian chewing gum, not just gum. You're not taking this seriously. You're not doing your fucking job! You're a bollock."
Suddenly, the man playing Actor 1 breaks character and begins shouting profusely.
Actor 1: "I can't do this anymore! This is insane... It's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever done!"
The other actors join in with Actor 1's frustrated outburst. The camera shakes and the set begins to cave inwards upon itself, as the actors continue to scream and eventually begin sobbing uncontrollably.
Voiceover: "Cut! Fucking cut! Get these people OUT OF HERE!"
The screen fades to black as the chaos continues in the background.
Voiceover: "Estonian chewing gum, it's not like regular gum."
Script #28
We open on a group of actors and sundry film crew members, gathered around a table littered with chewed up pieces of gum.
Clergyman (the main character, played by an actor): "What even is gum? I mean, really? Like, what is it really?"
Fisherman (played by another actor): "I don't know, man. But this Estonian stuff is supposed to be different, isn't it?"
Voiceover (harshly critical): "Cut! What the hell was that? You call that acting? You useless fucking wankers!"
Director (offscreen): "Alright everyone, let's keep going. We'll just fix it in post."
The actors grumble and moan, trying to get back into character as the crew prepares for the next shot.
A sharp and unexplained gust of wind blows through the set, knocking over several props and sending piles of papers flying everywhere.
Clergyman (breaking character): "Jesus Christ, what was that?"
Director (offscreen): "Keep going! We'll fix it in post!"
The actors continue their lines, but the mysterious wind picks up again, this time knocking over a nearby candle and setting a curtain on fire.
Fisherman (panicking): "Holy shit, the curtain's on fire!"
Director (offscreen, growing impatient): "Just keep going... We'll fix it all in post!"
The actors continue, as the flames grow higher and higher, and thick, black smoke begins to fill the room.
Clergyman (coughing): "I can't breathe! Come on, we need to get out of here!"
Director (offscreen): "No, don't stop now! We can fix all of this in post!"
With a heaving sigh, the ceiling collapses, crushing the clergyman in the rubble and sending the other actors running for their lives.
Director (offscreen): "Okay, cut! That was great, everyone. Really nice work. Alright, let's get ready for the next scene."
The voiceover interjects, sounding incredulous: "Great? The guy's fucking dead!"
Director (unaware of the voiceover): "Alright, we ready to press on then, guys?"
The actors glance at each other vacantly, traumatised by the harrowing events just moments prior.
Fisherman (quietly): "I don't think I can do this."
Director (offscreen): "Nonsense! We can fix all of that shit in post. Come on, let's get back to work!"
The camera fades to black as the actors (pale-faced and with cold, dead eyes) slowly trundle to their positions.
Voiceover (final line, sarcastic): Estonian chewing gum: because nothing's more important than a good commercial."
Script #29
We open with a woman standing in front of a stark white background, holding aloft a packet of Estonian chewing gum. She looks directly to camera.
Woman: "What is chewing gum, anyway? Is it a sweet? A snack? Can we consider it a toy?"
She shrugs slowly, exaggerately, and continues.
Woman: "Who cares though, really? This chewing gum is different. It's not like regular gum. It's like... Well, I don't know what it's like."
Without warning or explanation, a group of men in lab coats burst onto the set, carrying a series of test tubes and beakers. One of them cautiously approaches the woman.
Man 1: We've been analysing this gum for years, and yet... We still can't figure out what it is.
Woman (to camera, smug): See? Even the experts can't figure it out!
Cut to the woman walking down a vibrant city street, chewing on the gum. She passes by a five-foot frog that is wearing a top hat and monocle, and holding a can of beans.
Woman: What are you doing? That's not our product...
Frog (looking up at her, confused): But these beans are so tasty. Better than any chewing gum I've ever had.
Woman (muttering and shaking her head): This is ridiculous.
Cut to the woman sitting in a lotus position on the ground, holding a packet of Estonian chewing gum in her hand. She takes a deep, deliberate breath.
Woman: I need to focus... I need to sell this gum.
The woman is motionless, and gradually begins to glow with a blinding, white light. The light becomes brighter and brighter until she explodes violently into a million particles of pure energy.
Cut to black. The only sound is an unknown man's hysterical crying, interrupted by occasional Estonian swear words.
Cut back to the lab, where the group of men are now peering over the exploded woman's remains.
Man 2 (to camera): Well, I guess that's one way to sell gum.
The camera zooms in on the packet of gum, now covered in dust and debris.
The words "Estonian Chewing Gum: It's not like regular gum" appear on screen.
Script #30
Opening shot: a man is sat in a dentist's chair, a dental assistant leaning over him and carefully positioning the lamp. The abrasive sound of a dental drill whirrs away loudly in the background.
Dental assistant: "Open wide, please."
Man (awkwardly trying to speak with his mouth open): "Ah Uh... Ah... Uhhh... Gluk..."
Dental assistant: "OK, if you could just try to relax for me... This won't take long."
Man (voiceover): "I never thought I'd be the type of guy to chew gum for a living. But here I am, sitting in a dentist's chair, masquerading as a customer, and it's all for the sake of Estonian chewing gum..."
Cut to a close-up of the inside of the man's mouth, as the dentist pokes around with a mirror.
Dentist: "Hmm, looks like we've got a bit of tartar buildup here. We'll need to schedule a cleaning, is that alright?"
Man (voiceover): "I'm not even sure what tartar is... What is tartar? All I know for sure is I'm here because some guy said Estonian chewing gum isn't real gum... Now I'm trapped in this futile cycle of trying to prove them wrong."
Cut to a shot of the man attempting, in vain, to chew the gum. He looks frustrated and agitated.
Man (voiceover): "It's not like regular gum. It's... It's different. I don't even know what gum is anymore, to be honest."
Cut back to the dentist's chair. The dentist is now cleaning the man's teeth with a high-powered water jet.
Dentist: "OK, you're doing great. Just hold still."
Man (voiceover): "I'm not even a real customer. I'm just a so-called 'actor' pretending to chew gum in a dentist's office... How did I get here?"
Cut to a flashback of the man being approached by a stranger on the street, who offers him a unique employment opportunity.
Stranger: "Hey, you there! Yeah, you. You look like you've got a strong jaw on you. How'd you like to make some easy money, by chewing gum?"
Man: "Erm... What kind of gum?"
Stranger: "Estonian chewing gum. We need people to prove that it's real gum."
Cut back to the present, where the man is now in tears, a cocktail of drool and mouthwash dribbling down his chin and collecting in his beard.
Man (strained, through tears): "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I'm a fucking failure. I can't even chew gum properly!"
The dental assistant hands him a tissue.
Dental assistant: "It's okay... I mean, It's just chewing gum, right?"
Man (voiceover): "But it's not just gum. It's Estonian chewing gum. It's my whole life now."
Closing shot of the man leaving the dentist office, looking defeated, bitter, broken.
Title: "Estonian Chewing Gum. It's not like regular gum."
Script #31
We see a close-up of a piece of chewing gum in someone's mouth, slowly being chewed. A voiceover begins to speak.
Voiceover: Have you ever stopped to think about what chewing gum really is? It's this... Sticky, chewy substance that we put in our mouths and just... Chew.
Cut to a shot of a man sitting in a chair, looking pensive.
Man: I mean, what is it even made of? And why do we like it so much?
[Cut to a group of people standing around a laboratory table, looking at a piece of gum under a microscope.]
Woman: It's fascinating, really. The way the molecules are arranged...
Suddenly, the gum on the table begins to move on its own. The people around the table step back in surprise.
Woman: Wait, what's happening?
The gum begins to grow larger and larger until it is human-sized. It lunges at the people in the room, wrapping itself around their bodies and trapping them.
Man: Oh my god, it's alive!
The gum begins to chew on the people, making loud, grotesque chewing sounds. The people scream and try to free themselves, but it's no use.
Cut to a shot of a person's face, covered in gum as they cry and scream profanities.
Person: What the fuck is this shit?! Get it off me!
The camera pulls back to show that the person is actually an actor on a set, and the director is standing behind the camera, watching.
Director: Cut! That's a wrap, folks!
The actors all peel the gum off themselves and shake their heads in disgust.
Actor: I don't even want to know what the hell that was.
Director: (shrugs) It's not like regular gum.
Script #32
We open on a desolate alleyway by night, with trash strewn about all over the place and several rats scurrying across the ground. From the darkness, a hazy figure slowly emerges, moving with a strange, jerky motion. As the figure gets closer, we see that it is a humanoid being made entirely out of chewed gum.
Sentient gum: (in a deep, menacing voice) Do you know what I am?
Cut to a shot of a bewildered man standing frozen in terror.
Man: (stammering) Y-you're gum?
Sentient gum: (sarcastic) Very good! But what is gum? (beat) It's the discarded remains of something that once had purpose. It's a symbol of a society that spits you out when it's done, chucks you in the bin and moves on to the next thing. Another influencer, another scandal, another fucking headline... And still, here I am! (smiling) Stronger, smarter, more alive than ever.
The camera pans out to reveal that the man has been surrounded by more of these gum beings, all gnashing their teeth menacingly.
Sentient gum: And now, I have a proposition for you... Try Estonian chewing gum. It's not like regular gum. It's made from the finest ingredients, harvested from the purest sources.
The camera zooms in on the man's terrified face.
Sentient gum: (whispering) It'll change you. Just like it changed us.
The gum beings lurch towards the man, swarming him, their teeth gnashing and viscous saliva dripping from their gaping mouths. The man screams in terror as the camera cuts to black.
Cut to a shot of a man in a suit sitting in front of a camera, looking shaken.
Man: (breathless, panicked) We can't air this. It's too... Too...
Cut to a shot of a group of executives in a boardroom, looking very serious.
Executive 1: (shaking his head) We need to distance ourselves from this. It's disturbing.
Executive 2: (nodding) Agreed. Let's get Kelly to pull the ad.
Jump cut back to a close-up of the man in a suit from the previous scene. We hear a discordant orchestral stab, and the man starts to convulse violently, his eyes rolling back in his head. His mouth hangs agape as though he is screaming, but no sound is heard.
Executive 3: (alarmed) What's happening to him?
Executive 4: (whispering, wide-eyed) It's... The gum. It's inside him.
The man in the suit abruptly stops convulsing, and a thick, saliva-sodden stream of gum starts to inch slowly from his mouth. The executives scream and run out of the room as the camera cuts to black.
Script #33
Fade in to reveal a disused, Soviet-era copper factory. We see grey-brown blockish buildings in various states of disrepair, against a backdrop of barren, rocky hillside. An elderly filmmaker and his assistant slowly wander into the shot, deep in conversation.
Filmmaker: You're missing the point—that's what makes it beautiful. Imagine what this place would have been like during the Occupation. Enough copper for a full set of pans for everyone in the country! Not that the likes of us would have seen any of it, mind...
Cut to grainy footage of a metallurgy expert speaking directly to camera
Metallurgy expert: I used to work in the Omarov plant, but I gave it up. Why? Because metal is a lie! Here, let me show you something
The woman takes an iron bar and hurls it into a nearby lake (in which several youths are swimming). A muffled cry of pain is heard.
Metallurgy expert: See? Useless as tits on a swan! No, these days everything is about silicone. In polymers there is truth.
Cut back to the filmmaker and assistant, now enjoying a pint of beer each in a mostly empty bar.
Assistant: In my opinion, no-one understood the intricacies of the human face like Fellini.
Filmmaker: Maybe, but why faces? A man is not just a face; one must try, as a director, to capture everything about what it is to be human. It's not about breaking off one nice piece and setting it in a frame. You heard of embodied cognition?
A barmaid approaches the pair, carrying three pints of beer on a large silver platter.
Barmaid: Two more beers, gentlemen, here you go.
Assistant: Who's the third one for? It's empty in here.
Barmaid: This one? It's for my cousin, Ivan. He came round to help me change the barrels.
The barmaid sets the platter down on an adjacent table and carries the third beer into a backroom and down a set of stone stairs into the basement. We track her movement in close-up from behind as she descends into indiscriminate darkness.
Cut back to the metallurgy expert.
Metallurgy expert: Oh fuck! Is that an owl?
The camera slowly pans around as the metallugry expert clambers over to a nearby window. She thrusts open the window and leans outside, looking around in vain, trying to locate the glimpsed bird.
Metallurgy expert (to camera): Did you see it? No? Damn, I could have sworn—
As she trails off into a faint murmur and wanders back to the window, the screen gradually fades to black, and we see a slogan appear: "Estonian Chewing Gum: It's not like regular gum".
